{"id":1593,"date":"2026-03-13T20:28:11","date_gmt":"2026-03-13T20:28:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/?p=1593"},"modified":"2026-05-18T22:22:14","modified_gmt":"2026-05-18T22:22:14","slug":"rob-vs-the-billion-year-contract","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/rob-vs-the-billion-year-contract\/","title":{"rendered":"Rob vs. The Billion-Year Contract"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t

Rob vs. The Billion-Year Contract<\/h1>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n

More Rob + Eli mischief:\u00a0<\/p>\n

Rob is infamously opinionated. The man has two cents on absolutely everything you can imagine.<\/p>\n

For a while, the Church of Scientology became the particular target of his ire.<\/p>\n

So naturally, we started stopping by the Edmonton church from time to time just to\u2026 ask questions.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re unfamiliar with Scientology\u2019s origin story, you should look it up. It\u2019s a dystopian sci\u2011fi fever dream involving an intergalactic space gangster called Xenu driving flying volcanoes into each other, and the resulting explosions were powerful enough to wipe out entire civilizations.
Y’know, totally normal religion stuff.<\/p>\n

One afternoon Rob and I were stoned and up to no good, which is generally the starting condition for most of our stories.<\/p>\n

So we wandered into the church.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"\"\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

There was one guy who worked there we\u2019d spoken to before. A francophone kid in his early twenties. Nice enough guy. We\u2019ll call him Marc\u2011Andr\u00e9.<\/p>\n

Rob and I had recently read something online we wanted to confirm.<\/p>\n

So we asked him.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey Marc,\u201d Rob said. \u201cIs it true you signed a contract with the church?\u201d<\/p>\n

Marc\u2011Andr\u00e9 sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long is it for?\u201d<\/p>\n

Another sigh.<\/p>\n

\u201cA long time.\u201d<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"\"\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n

Rob leaned forward, suddenly very interested.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow long, buddy?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

A beat.<\/p>\n

Then Rob tried again.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait\u2026 was it for a million years?\u201d<\/p>\n

Marc\u2011Andr\u00e9 shook his head , shuffling nervously in his seat.<\/p>\n

Rob\u2019s eyes lit up.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo wait,\u201d he said, grinning. \u201cDid you sign a one\u2011billion\u2011year contract, Marc\u2011Andr\u00e9?\u201d<\/p>\n

Marc\u2011Andr\u00e9 paused.<\/p>\n

Then, with the kind of quiet, defeated regret you only hear from someone realizing their life has taken a strange turn, he said:<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.<\/p>\n

A b-beellion years, he stammered,\u00a0 in his Franco -drawl\u00a0<\/p>\n

Rob burst into his iconic cackle,\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cHA!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

There are few sounds sadder than a young man admitting he signed a billion\u2011year contract, followed immediately by Rob\u2019s triumphant cackle.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

More Rob + Eli mischief:\u00a0 Rob is infamously opinionated. The man has two cents on absolutely everything you can imagine. For a while, the Church of Scientology became the particular target of his ire. So naturally, we started stopping by the Edmonton church from time to time just to\u2026 ask questions. If you\u2019re unfamiliar with…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"elementor_header_footer","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1593","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1593","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1593"}],"version-history":[{"count":31,"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1593\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1873,"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1593\/revisions\/1873"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1593"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1593"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/booksvantage.com\/demos\/eli\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1593"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}